Eight Resolutions for Stepfamilies

for this Year of New Beginnings

 By Valerie L. Coleman

Eight is the biblical number of new beginnings: Noah and his family, a total of eight people, replenished the earth after the great flood (Genesis 9). The male child was circumcised on the eighth day which marked the entrance into the covenant of God (Genesis 17:10). While you’re making resolutions to lose weight, read your Bible daily or fast weekly, apply these eight fundamental tips to your stepfamily in 2008, the Year of New Beginnings:

 1.      All the parents, biological and step, should come to a common understanding to promote healthy development of the children. Choose a neutral setting to collectively establish expectations about visitation, discipline, house rules, family gatherings, etc. Put the expectations in writing and have each parent sign them. This document, the Parental Agreement, will help to minimize opportunities to disrupt your family. Once the agreement is established:

·        Hold a gathering with the parents and children.

·        Explain the expectations, the rewards for adherence, and the penalties for noncompliance. If the parents use this forum to affirm each other, the children will see the parents as a united front and not pawns to be manipulated.

·        For reinforcement, post the expectations on the refrigerator and refer to them often. Leave nothing to chance.

·        The parents should plan to reconvene at least annually to assess the effectiveness of the plan and make adjustments when necessary.

If your situation is not conducive to a meeting of all the parents, make sure that you and your mate create an agreement. Otherwise, outsiders may attempt to dictate the way you manage your home and if you give them power, you relinquish your own. How can two walk together except they agree? (Amos 3:3 HCSB)

 2.      Since all is fair in love and war — and if you don’t plan ahead you’ll have more war than love — treat each child the same, whether biological or step. Showing favoritism or “bending the rules” for one child or sibling group can create an abyss of jealousy and struggle. Preferential treatment causes an imbalance that leads to frustration and insecurity for both the slighted children and parents. God has no respect of person and neither should we.

 3.      Hold regular family meetings to provide each member an opportunity to share concerns without fear of rejection or retaliation. To ensure effective communication, establish meeting norms like:

·        Round-table discussions

·        Take notes of the meeting

·        One person speaks at a time. To minimize interruptions, use a stuffed animal as the cue to speak. The person who has possession of the toy has the floor.

 4.      Schedule non-competitive activities. As the family attempts to bond into a cohesive unit, each member tries to establish his or her position. This jockeying can create competitive tension that hinders growth.

·        Plan family outings that neutralize the tension -- a walk in the park, a trip to the zoo or movie night at home.

·        Give each child the opportunity to choose the activity. Set boundaries for the activity by providing them with a couple of options.

·        Require everyone to participate.

These activities will create family traditions that will be honored for years.

 5.      Spend quality time with each child on an individual basis. For example, commit Saturday mornings to one-on-one breakfast dates where the child selects the restaurant. The interaction can help foster communication and break down the barriers that may stifle the relationship.

 6.      Plan couple time away from the children. Nurturing the relationship that created the stepfamily is essential. Schedule visitations so that all of the children are gone at the same time. Using this quiet time to refresh the marriage helps to ensure a peaceful, loving atmosphere for the family. A threefold cord is not easily broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:12 HCSB)

 7.      Whether chaos or peace is prevalent in your family, solicit the services of a professional Christian counselor. This process allows each member to express his or her feelings to an unbiased person. Some children harbor resentment towards the new parent or blame themselves for the separation of their biological parents. Understanding their feelings will help you see the family dynamic from another perspective. Counseled insights can cultivate cooperation.

8.      Pray. Pray for all of the children. Pray for the extended family. Pray for the other parents. Pray for your mate. Pray for yourself. This experience is a proving of your faith in God. If you truly love the Lord with all of your heart, mind, body, and soul, then you will be able to look past your own hurt and see that others are hurting too.

The process may not be easy, but if you plan ahead to communicate daily with your mate and develop a consistent prayer life, your blended family will “thrive,” not just survive. There’s a blessing in the blending!

Valerie L. Coleman is the author of Blended Families An Anthology — a real-life account of stepfamily dynamics because we are not the Brady Bunch! Available on www.amazon.com and fine bookstores everywhere! ISBN-13: 978-0-9786066-0-2.